Here is a little holiday poem just for my REAL ESTATE friends:
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CLOSING
Twas the week before closing and my deal was a mess
It was a B OF A short sale with an out of town lender no less.
The buyers were panicked, the seller was mad
The inspections were done, but the reports looked real bad!
The deck needed fixing and the plumbing was leaky
The garage door was broken and the windows were squeaky.
The lawn was all brown and there was a suspicious new odor.
Like burnt oil and gas and the insides of a motor.
I went out to the back to track down what was wrong,
and to my utter dismay, the AC unit was gone!
The wires were missing; stripped of the copper of course,
“I think I’m gonna puke” I said, my voice small and hoarse.
That’s how the day started and it didn’t get better,
for waiting on my desk was an ominous letter.
It was from a title company way down in L.A.,
you see the buyer had insisted her sister must play.
Her sister the escrow officer down in L.A.!!!
The letter said “Sorry, I regret to inform you-
This property is landlocked. I just thought I should warn you.”
It’s not in the prelim, we missed it somehow,
But here is a new one. Have a nice day now….
My hands started shaking, my teeth were all clenched:
I was sweating and crying, my keyboard was drenched.
My deal was a wreck; it was a real pile of crap
and I longed for a job saying “Want fries with that?”
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse,
they hauled off my seller in the back of a hearse.
I called on the widow and timid as a mouse,
I said: “sorry for your loss, can I still sell your house?”
I won’t repeat to you here the things that she said,
but steam came out of her ears and her face went all red!
I drove back to the office and called up the lender,
intending to throw up my hands in surrender.
His voice mail picked up it was the same every call.
I started thinking maybe he doesn’t even exist… at all!
That’s when I started pounding my head on the wall.
I decided that lunch was the answer for me,
I set my sights on a sandwich and a cocktail… or three.
As I munched and I drank, my mind gently numbing,
I heard a familiar voice; it was Kent from Kents Plumbing.
“I have your report, and the estimate for repair,
Say, that’s quite a place you’re selling up there.
“Quite a place is right” I said, “you have no idea”
“I‘d trade my eye teeth for a job at Ikea!”
It was then that it happened, that moment we fear
I went to answer my phone and knocked over my beer.
It fell in my lap and ran into my shoes,
I went back to my office reeking of booze.
It didn’t take long for someone to yell;
“What in the world is that terrible smell?”
I gave her my best Joan Crawford withering glance
and then said: “it’s just me….. I have beer in my pants.”
Just then my buyer, a very sweet lady,
called to tell me she feared her lender was shady.
She told me she had seen him on the news this morning
With a story that carried a serious warning.
It would seem he was arrested and going to jail.
For fraudulent loans through the TV and mail.
I just wanted to go home, I couldn’t take anymore,
So I packed up my stuff and headed out the door.
I slipped on the steps and went tumbling down hard
I skidded and rolled and ended up in the yard.
When I opened my mouth to let out a big scream,
I woke up to find it was all a bad dream!